Zeke's Portable Toilets
326 York Street
Bellingham, Washington
To Whom it May Concern:
I am applying for the receptionist position I discovered upon calling your office this afternoon. While I should probably offer that my life's dream has been to work in close proximity to portable sewage boxes, let's just be honest. You're the last company listed in my phone book that I haven't yet applied to..
So let's get to the meat of it; what makes me an attractive candidate for this position? I need a paycheck. This can also be read as "loyal" or "a woman with long-term plans to work her way up in the company." I like scrapbook stores and occasional consignment store shopping sprees, so my desperation for steady money means bending to you every whim. As far as skills, I can read, write, and speak English. I'm able to breathe in and out, generally without having to remind myself, and I'm able to use a computer, at least to the extent that I know how to find help on the internet, or send facebook messages to my smart friends and family members. I'm also post-it friendly, so receiving and relaying messages shouldn't be a problem (maybe I could even relay them to you via facebook).
I'd greatly appreciate an opportunity to meet with you to discuss my resume, but we both know that won't happen. Somewhere in the midst of carrying the 400 applications you've received for this position from one desk to another, mine will slip out, miraculously show up in your trash bin in a wad, or I'll get the automated message that, despite the fact the job description listed "human with conversational knowledge of life outside the cave" as the only requirement, I don't qualify. Either way I've fulfilled my unemployment requirements, and will happily grunt and drag my club behind me all the way to the bank.
Halfheartedly,
Nicole Ebert
